Robinho-NO

 

MANCHESTER City striker Robinho has requested a transfer after missing his scheduled dose of psychotropic drugs.

Image
Aaaaargh! Aaaaaaargh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
The Brazilian moved to the club in 2008 after City scouts used a mixture of poisoned blowdarts and hypnotism to convince the striker he would be playing in Valhalla for the sexual favours of Scarlett Johansson.

Thanks to the combination of powerful narcotics he became convinced he was living in a Viking long room in Asgard instead of a six bedroom, mock-tudor mansion in Wilmslow.

Meanwhile players and backroom staff helped to maintain the illusion by adopting Nordic accents during training sessions, singing songs about pillage and drinking Gatorade from plastic skulls.

Robinho was also barred from watching Coronation Street in case the horrifying reality of his situation pierced through the haze of tree frog poison.

But after the postal strike delayed the arrival of a new batch of the Brazilian's drugs the effect suddenly wore off as he was sitting in his Lamborghini outside the Trafford Centre last Monday.

A police spokesman said: "We found a 25 year-old Brazilian man huddled inside his car, screaming constantly. There was terror in his eyes and he kept saying that all he could see was the colour grey and that the buildings wanted to kill him."

Tom Logan, a Man City physio, said: "Heavy dosing with herbal infusions and jungle drugs is standard practice for South Americans based north of Stevenage.

"Sylvinho believes he's in Narnia, Zabaleta thinks he's a giant swan and thanks to a kind of Eskimo tea made from Bison droppings we've convinced Caicedo that he's the Emperor of Legoland."

Hells Chef

Gordon Ramsay undergoes further face-stretching procedure

Gordon Ramsay undergoes further face-stretching procedure thumbnail

Following the successful removal of two chin wrinkles, celebrity profanity distributor Gordon Ramsay has undergone a revolutionary face-stretching plastic surgery technique in order to rid his face of its remaining trademark wrinkles.

The process, whereby an implant is placed under the patients face, stretches the dimensions of their head until the spare skin absorbed leaving the ’slightly’ larger face taught and young looking.

Ramsay, whose face was stretched to an impressive three feet by two feet six inches to remove all wrinkles, is said to be pleased with the results.

“I’m completely wrinkle free and look thirty years younger,” Ramsay told US television executives.

“Taking advice from Simon Cowell about how to look good for television is literally the best thing I’ve ever done.”

“Sure, my super-wide new face gets a few odd looks on the street, but what celebrity doesn’t get that from time to time?”

Downsides

Following the success of Ramsay’s procedure, other extremely vain wrinkly celebrities who are trying to break America are said to be considering having the same work done.

“There are a few downsides,” continued Ramsay.

“Hats are a problem, and I’ll never find a motorcycle helmet to fit me now, for example.”

“Plus it takes about forty minutes shave each morning.”

“And the sous-chef at Claridge’s has started calling me The Mekon, which unfortunately seems to be taking off among the staff.”

“But I always correct him - it’s a Mekon that doesn’t look a day over twenty-five!”

With the easily updated procedure representing a lifelong commitment to ongoing wrinkle-removal, Ramsay’s face is expected to be four feet wide by the time he reaches 50.

Sounds About Right

FEARS GROW THAT BROWN MAY NOT BE VERY GOOD WITH MONEY    

GORDON Brown's admission that he does not have any money has raised suspicions the prime minister may not be very good when it comes to matters of finance.

Image
Mr Brown has been paying rent of about £12,000 a month since June 2007
Mr Brown told a men's magazine that despite earning at least £1.5m since Labour came to power in 1997, there is virtually nothing left and he may have to work as a greeter at Asda when he is forced to stop being a politician next year.

He said: "It's very expensive being prime minister. I have a large townhouse just off Whitehall - and that's really posh by the way - and then there's the great big country mansion in Buckinghamshire.

"And don't forget all those fancy state dinners and the bullet-proof Jag. That bloody thing only does about eight miles to the gallon."

Constitutional expert Julian Cook said: "Someone should probably have told Mr Brown that as prime minister he was not supposed to pay for all that stuff out of his own pocket.

"Could it be that some unscrupulous civil servant is presenting the prime minister with fake monthly invoices and telling him to make the cheques payable to some bogus company he has set up in the Cayman Islands?"

Martin Bishop, deputy chief economist at Madeley-Finnegan, added: "This does begin to open up the possibility that, when it comes to money, Gordon Brown may be fucking shit."

In a wide-ranging interview Mr Brown offered a fascinating insight into his favourite television programmes and said the X-Factor was like being prime minister whereas Strictly Come Dancing was 'like being Peter Mandelson - you know, because it's so gay'.

The prime minister also said that Jonathan Ross was overpaid by the BBC but stressed that it must cost him quite a lot of money to put on his own television show every week, 'what with all the cameras and lighting and stuff'.

When asked how he would like history to judge him, Mr Brown replied: "As Spiderman."

Gold Old Tim

Tim Henman admits past use of Buttercup Syrup

Tim Henman admits past use of Buttercup Syrup thumbnail

Following Andre Agassi’s admission of his past use of Crystal Meth, Britain’s Tim Henman has admitted that during his playing days he once used Buttercup syrup.

Henman, speaking ahead of the launch of something or other, said he’d felt guilty to this day for the moment of weakness which saw him take the syrup.

“I was at a party, and it was just there, in the hosts hand, being offered to me for the cold I’d been suffering from,” said Henman.

“They insisted everyone was doing it, and that I’d feel better afterwards. I couldn’t stop myself succumbing to the peer pressure.”

“I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but I couldn’t help myself and I eagerly gulped down two teaspoons full.”

Owning up

Henman admitted that although his cold symptoms had been temporarily relieved, he felt the need to admit his crime to the Lawn Tennis Association.

“The LTA were very good about it, and kept insisting I hadn’t done anything wrong and I should shut up about it because Buttercup syrup wasn’t on any sort of banned substances list,” continued Henman.

“But I knew they were covering up for me, and the guilt is something that has kept me awake at night till this day.”

“Lucy said the only way she’d be able to get some bloody sleep is for me to come clean, so here I am, apologising to the fans hoping they’ll forgive my indiscretion.”

“Still, I can’t help wondering if I hadn’t abused my body that night, what more could I have achieved in the game?”

“Just say no kids, just say no.”

Food for Thought

ICELAND BEGINS DESPERATE SEARCH FOR NEW CHEESEY GRISTLE SUPPLIER    

ICELAND has begun the search for a new supplier of thin slabs of gristle covered with a slice of processed yellow dairy product.

Image
My God, what if it happened here?
As McDonalds closed its Reykjavik restaurant, the tiny Scandinavian country has urged the United Nations to send emergency supplies of reconstituted bull's anus and thick, spongey baps until it can attract a new franchise.

Ingvar Edvaldson, Iceland's secretary of state for vomit, warned: "This is now a crisis. I have dozens of men sitting idle when they should be out there in their bio-hazard suits pushing great heaps of regurgitated mince into the nearest storm drain."

Thors Gudmundsson, Iceland's leading food critic, added: "Traditionally, Icelandic culture frowns upon non-cancerous colons so we really need something that will have us all shitting blood within a fortnight before our livers pack up and we get that lovely, fuzzy, diabetes-induced blindness.

"And it would help if the cheese slices could also be used in the construction industry or for wiping down the walls of the Keflavik whale-gutting factory."

Meanwhile Icelandic parents are concerned that the Disney Corporation will no longer be able to bribe them into stuffing lumpy handfuls of greyish-brown fat into their children's faces.

Johanna Hermannsdottir, a mother of two from Arborg, said: "My children desperately need a small, plastic, Chinese-made representation of a singing cartoon fish to accompany their McChrist's-sake-don't-ask-what's-in-it fluffy, chocolate-style object."

She added: "My children are almost too old to fall for this anymore. I may never hear them laugh and gag at the same time ever again."

Quote of the Day

Never trust a bald barber.......he has no respect for your hair!

The Helpful Wife
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place...

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Ah the gold old Swedes or so we thought!

Blurring of reality after SVT cleavage row

The Local is not responsible for the content of blog comments.

Public broadcaster SVT has blurred out a presenter’s cleavage following a volley of complaints from viewers caught unawares as the camera panned from northern Sweden’s slopes to those of the reporter.

SVT’s complaints flashboard lit up after Helene Albrektson from Västerbottensnytt stripped to her bikini as part of a segment on weather conditions in Tärnaby. With piste-keepers resorting to artificial snow, it was perfectly feasible for skiers to shed their winter wear and go jump in a lake.

This was illustrated by the camera operator zooming in on Albrektson’s cleavage as she prepared to brave the chilly waters.

Not acceptable, said SVT’s higher-ups, as a decision was taken to liberally apply the infamous blur effect that is generally reserved for heinous criminals.

Expressen TV is there with the before and after (segment follows a short advert).

Before and After

Giant Seagull

Giant Seagull Invades Australian News


video

hitchener.seagull

Australian newsreader Peter Hitchener had to keep his wits about him last night when a gigantic seagull invaded downtown Melbourne.

As Hitchener was reading a story about police efforts to solve a 27-year-old murder, the gull stole the show, walking across a projection of the city. Hilarity ensued for everyone but Hitchener, who understandably didn’t want to crack up while he read a murder story, and who did a good job of standing up to the bizarre mega-gull.

From news.com.au:

“I was reading away, and it was a serious story, and I suddenly thought, ‘Oh my gosh that seagulls back again’, because we had bit of a problem last night,” Hitchener said.

“About 50 seconds to 6 o’clock this seagull arrived and started pecking at the camera and it had the beadiest huge eyes you’ve ever seen in your life.”

Chilli Facts

http://www.chillisgalore.co.uk/pages/chilli_facts.html
 
homeforumvarigrowcooklinksmail order
Chilli Facts

Chilli History: Chillis, come in all shapes, sizes and colours ranging from tiny pointed extremely hot, birds eye chilli to the large mild fleshy peppers like the anaheim. Indigenous to Central and South America and the West Indies, facts1they have been cultivated there for thousands of years before the Spanish conquest, which eventually introduced them to the rest of the world. Mexican cooking is one of the worlds oldest cuisines, the explorers of the New World brought back the tomatoes and peppers, red hot chillis, avocados, various beans, vanilla and chocolate, these flavours were to change the flavour of Europe.
Today there are probably 400 different chillis grown, and are one of the most widely cultivated crops today, grown from the Far East, China, Japan, Thailand and Indonesia to India to Mexico. Some of the more commonly available fresh chillis include jalapeño, serrano, poblano, yellow wax, birds eye, habarnero and cayenne are now being stocked by many stores and markets. If you cannot find the required chilli called for in a recipe try substituting with one of similar size and heat scale, or grow your own as they are as easy to grow as tomatoes especially in a greenhouse in pots. In the next few pages different varieties can be seen accompanied by a picture with recipes, sauces, snacks and growing advice and also where to purchase the seeds or chillis.


Variety Scoville Units
Pure Capsaicin 15,000,000 - 16, 000,000
US Police Pepper Spray 5,000,000
Dorset Naga Pepper 923,000
Red Savina Pepper 350,000 - 580,000
Scotch Bonnet 100,000 - 325,000
Jamaican Hot Pepper 100,000 - 200,000
Rocoto Pepper 50,000 - 100,000
Pequin Pepper 75.000
Super Chilli Pepper 40,000 - 50,000
Cayenne Pepper 30,000 - 50,000
Tabasco Pepper 30,000 - 50,000
de Arbol Pepper 15,000 - 30,000
Aji Pepper 12,000 - 30,000
Serrano pepper 5,000 - 23,000
Hot Wax Pepper 5,000 - 10,000
Chipotle 5,000 - 10,000
Jalapeno Pepper 2,500 - 8,000
Guajilla Pepper 2,500 - 5,000
Tabasco Sauce 2,500
Pasilla Pepper 1,000 - 2,000
Ancho Pepper 1,000 - 2,000
Anaheim Pepper 500 - 2,500
Nu Mex Pepper 500 - 1,000
Santa Fe Grande Pepper 500 - 700
Pimento Pepper 100 - 500
Bell Pepper 0
Chilli Heat: In 1902 Wibur Scoville developed a method for measuring the strength of capsicum in a given pepper, which originally meant tasting a diluted version of a pepper and giving it a value. Nowadays it can be done more accurately with the help of computers to rate the peppers in Scoville units, which indicate parts per million of capsaicin. The fiery sensation of chillis is caused by capsaicin, a potent chemical that survives both cooking and freezing, but apart from the burning sensatscovilleion it also triggers the brain to produce endorphins, natural painkillers that promote a sense of well being.
The Scoville scale begins at zero with mild bell peppers and moves to the lower range of peppers measuring 1,500 to 2,500 such as cascabels, four out of ten. The Jalapeño is mid range at about 2,500 to 5,000 Scoville units. The eight out of ten chillis such as cayenne, aji and pequin will rate about 30,000 to 50,000 units, while the habernero which rates as one of the hottest comes somewhere between 100,00 and 500,000 units, but as can be seen above in the article has a hotter chilli been found ?
Chillis are easy to grow, they require minimal area and care. They will do best in warm climates or under glass with a long growing season and can be kept over winter in the right conditions. Many varieties make excellent pot plants and can be grown indoors as ornamentals although these are still edible. Be careful when growing different species close together as they will cross pollinate and produce hybrids, therefore do not keep these chilli pods for next years seeds as the required heat of the chilli may be effected by crossing with a hotter chilli.

Chilli Species: Capsicum terminology can be confusing. Pepper, chili, chile, chilli and capsicum are used interchangeably to describe the plants the pods the cooking of the genus Capsicum. I have chosen to use chilli throughout this site so I don't want any protesting from Southwest and Latin America where you would prefer 'chile,' or 'pepper' as would probably be used in the States.

Here is a quick guide to the naming. The genus is Capsicum from the Greek kapto, 'to bite' and then there are five species:

  • annum, meaning "annual," which is an incorrect designation, include most of the common types like Nu Mex, Jalapeño, Belsl and Waxes.
  • baccatum, meaning "berrylike," which consist of the South American chillis known as ajís.
  • chinense, meaning "from China," which is also an incorrect designation, this species include the habanero's.
  • frutescens, meaning "shrubby or bushy," includes the Tabasco's .
  • pubescens, meaning "hairy," and includes the rocotos.

Capsicum annum is the most extensively cultivated throughout the world and because it cross pollinates so easily there are probably thousands of varieties existing. Annums are really divided into two catagories: sweet (or mild) and hot. Too many leaf variations to describe but flower corollas are white with no spots. Popular annums include:

  • Ancho, Anaheim
  • Big Bertha, Bolivian Rainbow,
  • Cayenne, Cherry Bomb, Cayenne, Cubanelle, Chimayó, Chiltepin
  • Fresno, Fiesta, Firecracker
  • Goat Horn
  • Hungarian Yellow Wax
  • Jalapeño, Jaloro
  • Nu Mex
  • Mulato, Mirasol
  • Peter Pepper, Peruvian Purple, Pasilla, Piemento. Poblano
  • Spur, Super Chili, Santa Fe Grande, Sweet Banana
  • Thai Hot

Capsicum baccatum originated in Peru or Bolivia and are now found throughout South America. The plants are tall up to five foot with large dark green leaves. This species is distinguished from the other species by the flower corollas being white with distinctive dark green or brown spots, and anthers being yellow or tan. Fruity flavour being used in salsas or dried and ground into powders. Types include:

  • Ají

Capsicum chinense is often referred to as Habanero but there are hundreds of similar pod types. Originating from the Amazon into the Caribbean and then spreading into Central and South America. Growing from 1 to 5 feet high with pale to medium green large and wrinkled leaves. Flowers have white to greenish corollas and purple anthers and filaments. Slow growers with a long season. Most Countries have their own name for the chinense

  • Habanero
  • Congo Pepper
  • Goat pepper
  • Scotch Bonnet
  • Ají Limo
  • Ají dulce
  • Datil
  • Fatalii
  • Red Savina
  • Madame Jeanette
  • Naga Jolokia

Capsicum frutescens coming from the Amazon basin in Brazil and the Mexican city of Tabasco, hence the most recognizable one being the Tabasco. Now finding their way to India and the Far East where they are called bird pepper. Bushy type of plant growing to 4 feet, with smooth oval leaves up to 2.5 inches. Flowers have greenish white corollas with no spots and blue anthers, erect pods up to 1.5 inches long. Makes good pot plants.

  • Tabasco
  • African birdseye ·
  • Malagueta ·
  • Thai pepper
  • Demon Red

Capsicum pubescens originates in Bolivia, now being cultivated from the Andes to Mexico and Central America. The common name for this species is rocoto. Sprawling plant up to 4 feet high and two foot wide with oval light to dark green leaves being up to 3 inches long and very hairy. Flowers have purple corollas, purple anthers and stand erect above the leaves. Hardy plants with a long growing season. As the pods are so fleshy they are usually eaten fresh in salsas or stuffed but they are very hot.

  • Manzano Amerillo
  • Manzanoi Rojo
  • Rocoto

Chilli Health: Chillis are loaded with vitamin A, a potent antioxidant and boost to the immune system. As the podshealth pic mature and darken, high quantities of vitamin C are gradually replaced with beta carotene and the capsaicin levels are at their highest. Due to these capsaicin levels, some believe that eating chillis may have an extra thermic affect, temporarily speeding up the metabolic rate, hence burning off calories at a faster rate. Whatever, you certainly do sweat and actually cool down in hot climates as sweat evaporates. Your nose runs, your head clears ... you can breath! And with that extra flow of saliva, the gastric juices also flow. The alkaloids from the capsaicin stimulate the action of stomach and intestine improving the whole digestion process!

health pic2Beyond soothing gastric wonders and taste delights, the very nature of fiery capsaicin has been medicinally beneficial down through the ages and put to use for some chronic health woes. These same heat inducing properties have a cumulative effect and over time are believed to alleviate pain when used in transdermal treatments for arthritis, nerve disorders (neuralgia), shingles and severe burns ... even cluster headaches. The mucus thinning properties promote coughing and can act as an expectorant for asthmatic conditions. Other claims are boosts to the immune system due to the antioxidants, lowering cholesterol, and blood thinning properties beneficial for the heart and blood vessels.


newspaperNewspaper article 05/09/2000: The hottest chilli on Earth is Indian, claim four scientists. They say that the pepper called Naga Jolokia from the north-eastern area of Assam where it is grown has beaten the Mexican Red Savina Habanero, widely-acclaimed as the hottest. The scientists from the Tezpur laboratory reported 855,000 Scoville units of pure capsaicin (the scale of heat in chillis). The scale is named after German scientist Wilbur Scoville, who first measured heat in chillis see details below). Although the chilli is thought to be a relative of the habanero these tests are thought to be faulty.


alanNewspaper article 24/02/2001: The Hottest thing around, at last people are beginning to wake up to the fact how easy chillis are to grow, not only that but they are also fun and easy plants to care for as this article points out. Its about time the chilli gets recognised in the UK and a better name for itself, the Americans have been eating and enjoying all types of varieties for years. You can start picking green chillis as soon as they're big enough although if you let them ripen you will get their full fiery flavour. To lessen the heat remove the seeds and pith, one tip mentioned is to put surplus chilli seeds in with peanuts you put out for the birds as this should stop squirrels pinching them, the birds don't notice, but squirrels aren't into chillis just yet. There is also loads of other chilli dishes available apart from just chilli con carne using all the different varieties for different flavours and strengths from pickling to eating raw or stuffed or stewed to even chilli ice cream, which is highly spoken of by enthusiasts, it must be interesting to try.


timesThe Times Newspaper article 01/04/2006: The world’s hottest chilli pepper does not come from a tropical hot spot where the local’s are impervious to it’s fiery heat but a smallholding in deepest Dorset, Uk. Some chilli’s are fierce enough to make your eyes water. Anyone foolhardy enough to eat a whole Dorset Naga would almost certainly require hospital treatment. The pepper, almost twice as hot as the previous record holder, was grown by Joy and Michael Michaud in a polytunnel at their market garden. The couple run a business called Peppers by Post and spent four years developing the Dorset Naga. They knew the 2cm-long specimens were hot because they had to wear gloves and remove the seeds outdoors when preparing them for drying, but had no idea they had grown a record breaker. Some customers complained the peppers were so fiery that even half a small one would make a curry too hot to eat. Others loved them and last year the Michauds sold a quarter of a million of them. At the end of the season they sent a sample to a Lab in America out of curiosity. They were stunned when the Dorset Naga gave a reading of nearly 900,000SHU. A fresh sample was then sent to a lab in New York used by the American Spice Trade Association and they recorded a record mouth numbing 923,000SHU’s. Mrs Michaud said ‘The man in the first lab was so excited he’d never had one half as hot as that. The second lab took a long time because they were checking it carefully as it was so outrageously high. The Dorset Naga was grown from a plant that originated in Bangladesh. The Michauds bought their original plant in an oriental store in Bournemouth, UK ‘we were’t even selecting the peppers for hotness but for shape and flavour when the test results came back we were gob smacked’
The couple are now seeking Plant Variety Protection DEFRA which will mean that no one else can sell the seeds.
Anyone wanting to try the chillis will have to be patient as they are harvested only from July on. In Bangladesh the chillis grow in temperatures of well over 100F (38C) but in Dorset they thrive in poly tunnels. Aktar Miha from the Indus Bangladesh restaurant in Bournemouth said that even in it’s home country it is treated with respect. ‘It is used in some cooking mainly in Fish curry’s but most people don’t cook with it . They hold it by the stalk and just touch their food with it ‘ he said. It has a refreshing smell and a very good taste but you don’t want to much of it. It is a killer chilli and you have to be careful and wash your hands and the cutting board. If you don’t know what you are doing it could blow your head off.