Robinho-NO
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MANCHESTER City striker Robinho has requested a transfer after missing his scheduled dose of psychotropic drugs.
Aaaaargh! Aaaaaaargh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
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MANCHESTER City striker Robinho has requested a transfer after missing his scheduled dose of psychotropic drugs.
Aaaaargh! Aaaaaaargh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
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Following the successful removal of two chin wrinkles, celebrity profanity distributor Gordon Ramsay has undergone a revolutionary face-stretching plastic surgery technique in order to rid his face of its remaining trademark wrinkles.
The process, whereby an implant is placed under the patients face, stretches the dimensions of their head until the spare skin absorbed leaving the ’slightly’ larger face taught and young looking.
Ramsay, whose face was stretched to an impressive three feet by two feet six inches to remove all wrinkles, is said to be pleased with the results.
“I’m completely wrinkle free and look thirty years younger,” Ramsay told US television executives.
“Taking advice from Simon Cowell about how to look good for television is literally the best thing I’ve ever done.”
“Sure, my super-wide new face gets a few odd looks on the street, but what celebrity doesn’t get that from time to time?”
Downsides
Following the success of Ramsay’s procedure, other extremely vain wrinkly celebrities who are trying to break America are said to be considering having the same work done.
“There are a few downsides,” continued Ramsay.
“Hats are a problem, and I’ll never find a motorcycle helmet to fit me now, for example.”
“Plus it takes about forty minutes shave each morning.”
“And the sous-chef at Claridge’s has started calling me The Mekon, which unfortunately seems to be taking off among the staff.”
“But I always correct him - it’s a Mekon that doesn’t look a day over twenty-five!”
With the easily updated procedure representing a lifelong commitment to ongoing wrinkle-removal, Ramsay’s face is expected to be four feet wide by the time he reaches 50.
| FEARS GROW THAT BROWN MAY NOT BE VERY GOOD WITH MONEY |
| GORDON Brown's admission that he does not have any money has raised suspicions the prime minister may not be very good when it comes to matters of finance. Mr Brown has been paying rent of about £12,000 a month since June 2007 |
Following Andre Agassi’s admission of his past use of Crystal Meth, Britain’s Tim Henman has admitted that during his playing days he once used Buttercup syrup.
Henman, speaking ahead of the launch of something or other, said he’d felt guilty to this day for the moment of weakness which saw him take the syrup.
“I was at a party, and it was just there, in the hosts hand, being offered to me for the cold I’d been suffering from,” said Henman.
“They insisted everyone was doing it, and that I’d feel better afterwards. I couldn’t stop myself succumbing to the peer pressure.”
“I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but I couldn’t help myself and I eagerly gulped down two teaspoons full.”
Owning up
Henman admitted that although his cold symptoms had been temporarily relieved, he felt the need to admit his crime to the Lawn Tennis Association.
“The LTA were very good about it, and kept insisting I hadn’t done anything wrong and I should shut up about it because Buttercup syrup wasn’t on any sort of banned substances list,” continued Henman.
“But I knew they were covering up for me, and the guilt is something that has kept me awake at night till this day.”
“Lucy said the only way she’d be able to get some bloody sleep is for me to come clean, so here I am, apologising to the fans hoping they’ll forgive my indiscretion.”
“Still, I can’t help wondering if I hadn’t abused my body that night, what more could I have achieved in the game?”
“Just say no kids, just say no.”
| ICELAND BEGINS DESPERATE SEARCH FOR NEW CHEESEY GRISTLE SUPPLIER |
| ICELAND has begun the search for a new supplier of thin slabs of gristle covered with a slice of processed yellow dairy product. My God, what if it happened here? |
Never trust a bald barber.......he has no respect for your hair!
| The Helpful Wife |
| A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place... |
| Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk. |
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Public broadcaster SVT has blurred out a presenter’s cleavage following a volley of complaints from viewers caught unawares as the camera panned from northern Sweden’s slopes to those of the reporter.
SVT’s complaints flashboard lit up after Helene Albrektson from Västerbottensnytt stripped to her bikini as part of a segment on weather conditions in Tärnaby. With piste-keepers resorting to artificial snow, it was perfectly feasible for skiers to shed their winter wear and go jump in a lake.
This was illustrated by the camera operator zooming in on Albrektson’s cleavage as she prepared to brave the chilly waters.
Not acceptable, said SVT’s higher-ups, as a decision was taken to liberally apply the infamous blur effect that is generally reserved for heinous criminals.
Expressen TV is there with the before and after (segment follows a short advert).


Australian newsreader Peter Hitchener had to keep his wits about him last night when a gigantic seagull invaded downtown Melbourne.
As Hitchener was reading a story about police efforts to solve a 27-year-old murder, the gull stole the show, walking across a projection of the city. Hilarity ensued for everyone but Hitchener, who understandably didn’t want to crack up while he read a murder story, and who did a good job of standing up to the bizarre mega-gull.
From news.com.au:
“I was reading away, and it was a serious story, and I suddenly thought, ‘Oh my gosh that seagulls back again’, because we had bit of a problem last night,” Hitchener said.
“About 50 seconds to 6 o’clock this seagull arrived and started pecking at the camera and it had the beadiest huge eyes you’ve ever seen in your life.”